Praying for Trials
I seriously doubt anyone reads this blog anymore because of my neglectful nature towards it but lately I have been trying to take it easy and I feel like writing. This has been a weird 2 months for me. I must admit I am just like my father and I like to fill my schedule so full that it's bursting at the seams. Several
weeks ago that overfilled schedule exploded and I refuse to pick up the busy pieces that are left behind. For the entire month of September I have done nothing but sit on my couch and sulk. We all have times that we sit back and reflect upon our lives and wonder where we are going. For most people it only lasts a day but for some reason my sulky attitude has lasted this entire month! I have dropped everything that was not a necessity. Everything but my husband and kids and believe me there were days where I wanted to drop those responsibilities too. Trying to fix myself and my poor attitude I have been doing alot of scripture reading and sitting by myself thinking about how I want this life of mine to turn out. I have had a pretty easy life thus far and I know that no one gets off that easy. Deep down I feel that there will be mountains to climb and very difficult lesson to learn ahead of me. Maybe I have an idea of what those trials may be but maybe I am dead wrong. Whatever they are they have been giving me the most uneasy feeling. While I was reading past confrence talks I ran across a talk that struck me. It was given by Elder Henery B. Eyring and it was called Mountains to Climb. He talked about praying for trials. At first I thought "what a strange concept, praying for bad things to happen to me? Who would want to do that?" but then I remembered the uneasy feeling that I keep in the back of my mind. The thought of getting down on my knees came to me but I quickly pushed it out of my mind. I knew that if I prayed for trials that life would only get harder and thats not what I needed. I needed my life to get easier. Ignoring my instincts I went about my day, my week, the rest of the month all the while that little talk kept popping in my mind and I kept pushing it out. What if the trails that come are not ones I am expecting or want? What if they are the trials I know I can't overcome. Tired of worrying about it I finally gave into the ever nagging prompting and got on my knees. I wanted to get it over with I wanted to start my hike up whatever mountain was coming so that I could hurry and be done with it.
The next day I got a call from the Bishopric asking that my husband and I come into meet with one of them. Knowing that this meant a new calling I was a little frustrated. C.J. and I both held major callings in the church. He was the Sunday School President and I was the Compassionate Service Leader and now they were going to give us ANOTHER calling. I was already struggling to keep up with the one I had! Once we got in the second counselors office I was ecstatic to find out that they were releasing me as the Compassionate Service Leader. My excitement was short lived though. When he told me what my calling was, I remember it like he was that chubby little red headed kid on the movie Sand Lot. G-O-S-P-E-L D-O-C-T-R-I-N-E T-E-A-C-H-E-R............... what?! I heard it but it didn't make any sense in my mind. I heard my husband gasp. After all he was the Sunday School President and he would never suggest such a thing. Surely the Bishopric would know better than to call ME as the Gospel Doctrine Teacher! The only reason I know the stories in the scriptures is because I had a diligent Mother that read them to me and I loved watching the animated scripture movies when I was a kid. I sat there in shock thinking this is a joke. They wouldn't call me. I am a mom with two kids. The ward was full of teachers and scholars why would they call me. When it finally sank in that he was serious the tears started to well up in my eyes. How could they do this to me! I hate talking in front of people. I am probably the youngest married adult in the ward. What did I know that they didn't! As the second counselor asked if I would accept the calling I put my face into my hands and the tears started rolling. Through my sobs I told him My Father taught me never to say no to a calling and that I would give it a try. After leaving the office I attempted to control my emotions as we walked into the chapel but couldn't. I handed over the baby to my husband and left him to fend for himself during the sacrament meeting where I was sustained without being present. I ran out the building doors and thought "What in the world are you thinking Heavenly Father" This was definitely not the trial I had anticipated. I ran down the street in high heels and a skirt and found a shady spot under a tree where I could sit and stew over what I felt was an impossible task. After sitting there for a while the words of my Sister-in-Law, who had just watched her 5 year old daughter suffer through multiple chemo and radiation treatments for a brain tumor, came to my mind.
You can do hard things.
After a lot of crying and fears whirling through my mind I am happy to say that I found peace of mind and I was ready to fulfill my calling. There are callings that are given to people that are solely to benefit that individual. I believe that this is one of those callings. Maybe it is preparatory to the trails that are to come. Maybe it is the hill before the mountain. But I believe it will benefit me and will prepare me for what is to come. Whatever it may be I try to remember that without difficult tasks we cannot grow as an individual. Challenges are what make us better people. I am ready to be made into a better person. I am ready to let the Lord mold and shape me into the person I am supposed to be. I know that this will be a difficult calling especially for me but I believe that I was called for a reason and that I need to do this for myself. Not because the Bishopric asked me and I felt obligated but because I knew I needed to learn and grow to be able to get through the mountain I knew I would have to climb. I give my first lesson in about 3 weeks and I hope that there is someone out there that will get something out of my lesson besides me.