Happy Mother's Day!!

(We wont make this picture extra large hahaha talk about a bitter beer face and mouse with rabies.)love you Heidi but this is an UGLY picture of us! I mean that in the nicest way :)

As a Mother isn't it funny how on Mother's Day all we really want is a BREAK!!!! This weekend my sweet husband took the munchkins and let me escape to a quick weekend girl’s trip.

I have a little humorous Mother's Day post for you all. But I must give you a disclaimer: If you are looking for something sweet and beautiful that will make you grateful to be a mom, this is not it. CLICK HERE TO READ MY "LESSON OF MOTHERHOOD" POST WHICH WILL BE MORE FOR YOUR LIKING. MAKE SURE TO READ THE POEM AT THE END.

Do any of you mothers remember what it was like when you didn't have children? And how all you dreamed about was how blissful and complete your life would be if you had a baby? Ya, me neither. All the piles of dirty diapers and mountains of laundry seem to block those memories from my mind.

As a mother you know what I can't stand? All those single individuals and couples who ignorantly judge my parenting while thinking "oh, I will never be that kind of mom;" Or how about those old people who have SOMEHOW forgotten what it is like to be a parent! HOW IN THE WORLD COULD YOU FORGET?! Or that perfect looking mother with perfectly behaved children that judges the way you do things because she, of course, parents perfectly ALL THE TIME (I bet she turns into a beast at home. Why else would her children obey her every command if it weren't out of complete fear?). I know you all know those types of people. You have probably had several experiences with them yourselves. I have come to realize I have a long list of judgmental parenting pet peeves.

1. When I am walking into the grocery store with my three year old screaming bloody murder behind me because I won’t actually carry her into the store, don’t give me the stink face. She's 3! She's practically half my size! Besides, she has two legs that work perfectly, why wouldn’t I give her the chance to use them? If you're so appalled, why don't YOU try carrying her. Oh, and I am not consoling her because OBVIOUSLY she is inconsolable. 

2. When I am marching into Costco carrying my crying child tucked up under my arm, like a football, arms and legs dangling because she just peed EVERYWHERE don’t give me the wide eyed, what-the-heck-is-she-doing look. Can’t you see I have my don't-mess-with-me, I-am-potty-training-face on! Just wait till you have to try to explain to a 2 year old why they have to use unknown muscles to keep their bodily fluids from leaking out. And actually teaching them how to do it successfully?...you might as well try to stop a flood with a sponge.

3. Or how about the "I have to go NOW,” I-will-not-make-it-to-the-bathroom dance. Oh, look at that dried up bush it looks like it needs some fluid, and this is an emergency! Believe me lady, who has her mouth gapping open, I don't care where she pees, as long as it's not in her pants, we are going to call it a success! Don't you know that early potty training calls for drastic measures?

 4. What do you do when you have a child who has a chronic runny nose? Sir, I know that my kid has two rivers of snot flowing so quickly that it seems like they are racing to see which can cross the upper lip finish line first, and no, I am not going to wipe it yet. I want to see which nostril wins. I have money on the left one. ha ha jk

 5. When I am just having a cat poop sandwich of a day, (thank you Greg)  and I am in the store trying to teach my child to behave like a normal human being in public, please don’t make comments to your boyfriend under your breath about my parenting. I am a mother, I have superwomen ultra-sensitive hearing receptors and I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU JUST SAID! Not sure what you’re talking about “being calm” cause THIS IS CALM but if you want I will let the green parenting monster ooze out of my pores in a moment. Your "poor child" sympathy sure makes YOU feel better about yourself, but just you wait till you have children of your own. Take a good look at my face and memorize it, because one day you’ll do the same thing that I am doing and it will flash in your mind.

 6. When my child is throwing a tornado of a tantrum in public, don't stop and stare. This is not a street show! Move along friend, there is nothing here to see. Oh and don't stop to try to console my child without talking to me or even making the slightest bit of eye contact with me. Don't you think I know my child better than you do?! I know that you, a total stranger, think you can correct my inefficient parenting skills and make all the difference in my child's life, but It's NOT helping! You're just feeding into the I-hate-my-mommy pheromones. If you want to help, I am the one who needs consoling! 

 7. What about the disgusted look you get when you realize your child closely resembles the homeless man you just passed on the corner. Grandma, who has her phone out probably dialing CPS, I know it doesn't look like it, but I promise you I literally just bathed them an hour ago. Trying to keep a kid clean is like trying to drink water from a fire hose. It will win every time!

8. What do you do when your 2 year olds emotional stability is dependent on a binky, bottle, blankey, thumb sucking, or any other comfort object? Your enjoyment of precious quietness and your child's calmness is interrupted by that judgey-faced mom, who just can't believe you haven’t taken that object away from them yet. Perfect looking mom, I dare you to take this binky out of my kid’s mouth and see the furry that is unleashed. There is a place and a time and THIS, my dear, is not it.

9. Whose kid isn’t absolutely obsessed with the movie Frozen right now? When my girls are dancing as they sing “Let it Go” while I stand in line at the bank, don't cross your arms, purse your lips and tap your toe at me. I am sorry if your childhood was not filled with fond memories of Elsa, Anna and a cute little snowman named Olaf but just because you are bitter about it doesn't mean every other child should be bitter for you.

10. How about when you have had an exhausting day and couldn't manage the energy to cook dinner? You head to your favorite restaurant, the one that has the best comfort food to make you feel better. The only thing that is keeping your child happy at the moment is a toy that makes noises that sounds like soft lullaby’s to him. Oh sorry, you’re annoyed by those soft lullaby’s? OH! You complained to the manager about the overall volume of my table? Well why don't you take it away from him and then see if the overall volume of his crying soothes your need for absolute silence. For heaven’s sake we are not eating in a library!

11. How about when you are working really hard to teach your child the importance of hard work, being able to pay for things and responsibility? Your child has worked all week to earn their money, but they forgot it on their way out the door. When my kid asks for a candy bar in line at the grocery store and I ask if she brought her money, don't grab the candy bar she wanted, wrap it up in a dollar bill and hand it to her. She is not deprived of happiness and love, nor is there a recent shortage of candy bars in this country. She doesn't need one right this second. And to all the people waiting in line behind Willy Wonka, who think he is some sort of candy saint, don't you know there is an epidemic of unstable, instantly gratified children in this world who have no idea what the word wait means? Excuse me if I am trying to teach my daughter the long lost art of having patience. Plus Mr. Willy Wonka here is just fueling the American childhood obesity rate by paying for little kid’s candy bars.

And just in case this post didnt make you feel like an awesome parent and like it's everything you ever wanted in life here are some epic parent fails that will....

Love the Mother who runs for the camera at this point!

Wait for it....Wait for it.... yep that's a leg there.

HAHAHAHA! This is one of my favorites by far!

I am pretty sure my Dad did this one to me when I was a kid.

I love the older sister that is just standing there smiling like everything is fine and dandy. HA HA HA! Thats karma, little brother!

Human energy efficiency

Oh, wait these are illegal? Shoooooot, I better quit using them.

At least it's not a bear. The most harm that raccoon can do is scratch his eyes out. What little kid needs those?!

HAHAHAHA is this for real???

Just a little less roomy than she anicipated

I hope all of your husbands are working really hard to spoil you rotten and give you that long awaited break you have been needing! But seriously, in all honesty, (I think we are getting gypped) ONE day a year?!?! Come on! It should be AT LEAST once a week! :) 
Enjoy your Mother's Day!!!