Although I knew she loved me and I was all she wanted I felt like she hated me all at the same time. She was very temperamental. There were nights when I rocked her that I could tell she was upset. I never knew why but of course I felt like she was mad at me. On those nights I always tried to hold her a little closer but she wouldn't have it. She would sit on my lap and let me rock her but she would refuse to let me wrap my arms around her. So I would rock with my arms at my sides. There was even a point when I started avoiding making eye contact with her because the second we met eyes she would start to cry for me. I felt like a terrible mother. I was avoiding my baby. One evening while I sat by my husband on the couch, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started to cry. Being a mother and a wife was too hard and I didn't want to do it anymore. All I wanted to do was hop on a motorcycle, ride off into the sunset and never return. When I finally looked at him through my tears, his eyes were wide and his jaw gaping open. He had no earthly idea what to say. I still don't think he comprehends how serious I was at the time but he dried my tears and sent me out for some mommy time.
At that point I realized the importance of letting the small things go and laughing about it. I did my best to laugh things off. Thats all I could do to keep myself from crying. Between eating spoonfuls of dirt because they were "chocolate", pulling cockroach legs out of mouths, nail polish spills, lots of cracks eggs, decorating bodies with pens and markers, and self given hair cuts. I got pretty good at laughing off the little things.
During the beginning stages of potty training, I was cleaning the house and had the back door open while the kids played outside. As I came walking down the stairs, I saw Paisley squatting on my back porch doing BUSINESS that should never be done outside unless you are in the woods and absolutely can not hold it any longer.
My Facebook post is as follows:
To all those mothers out there who always post about all the cute and sweet things your children do, I hate/envy you. My kid just literally took a dump on the back porch. How about that for cute and sweet?
I remember about a year and a half after Paisley was born, I saw my OBGYN that delivered Paisley at Costco. The second I saw him I went straight into a Walter Mitty moment. I imagined myself taking her from my husbands arms, walking toward him while holding her out away from my body as if she had just had the biggest blow out ever. As I set her in his arms I said, "Here, take her back." As I came back from my day dream, I chuckled at my somewhat twisted humor. At least she was cute. That really was the only reason I was keeping her. ;)
Today As I watch women in the same stage of life I was in not to long ago, literally struggling to stay sane and keep their children alive (because some days its really hard to do it all at the same time) I think about a story my neighbor and friend told me about a women checking out at the grocery store with her little children(standing in any line with children = MAJOR stress). Each of her children were unhappy and vocal about it. She tried to calm them but to no avail. While most people would have been annoyed at the sound of crying children and the constant begging and whining. One women leaned over to her and said "You hang in there Warrior, only 3 more hours till bed time."
I love this! At some point, don't we all feel like life is a war zone? Like we have been wounded and we are loosing blood fast?
My amazing sister who graduated from BYU as an English major (and helps me edit all my posts) found An excerpt from War and the Soul, by Edward Tick, Ph.D. About warriors
(I changed any he's to she's {because thats the say it should have been written anyway, right? :)})
A Warrior is not just one who has been to war and returned. A Warrior has been recognized as a social role that has occurred since the beginning of time. Becoming a warrior is an achievement of character.
What are the characteristics of the Warrior? The ideal Warrior is assertive, active and energized. She is clear-minded, strategic and alert. A warrior uses both body and mind in harmony and cooperation. A warrior is disciplined. A warrior assesses both her own skills and resources and those of her opponent. A warrior is a servant of civilization and its future - guiding, protecting, and passing on information and wisdom. A warrior is devoted to causes she judges to be more important than herself or any personal relationships or gain. Having confronted death, a warrior knows how precious life is and does not abuse or profane it.
I want to break this down a little further. A warrior is:
Assertive, active and energized- any mother with a two year old.
Clear minded- well, at least we all start the day out clear minded but by nap time that clear mind is usually long gone and we are trying to deal with the post-tramatic stress disorders our children give us.
Strategic- how about the way we disguise vegetables within our children's food to make sure they get enough nutrition or finding ways not to wake the sleeping giant that lies within each of our children named, I Am Going To Throw A Fit If I Dont Get My Way and in the way we plan our shower and any other hygiene or personal need during nap time.
Alert- due to the development of hawk eyes searching for any hazardous situations or individuals who may prey on our children.
A warrior uses both body and mind in harmony and cooperation- two words, breast feeding.
Disciplined- in what we spend our money on because instead of buying those cute heels we can no longer wear for fear of tripping and dropping our baby we are buying diapers, butt paste and nipple cream.
A warrior assesses both his own skills and resources and those of his opponent - aren't we always doing this with our children? How long can this kid scream their lungs out? I cant listen to it any longer. If I give them candy, will they stop? Do you think if I go into stealth mode and just move a tiny little bit at a time maybe they won't wake up and I can finally sneak out of this tiny little bed that I don't even come close to fitting in?
A warrior is a servant of civilization and its future - guiding, protecting, and passing on information and wisdom- I am pretty sure if you looked up mother in the dictionary this is exactley what it says.
A warrior is devoted to causes she judges to be more important than herself or any personal relationships or gain - as mothers we experience this everyday. The needs of our child are always put before our own. Personal relationships? What are those? I can't even remember the last time I even hoped for a normal social life. Babe, the Robinson's would like to hangout tonight. Don't you think that would be fun? Well we have to pack the diaper bag with bottles, diapers, wipes, the bikny, some snack crackers and an extra outfit just in case. Oh, and don't forget the pack n play, the stroller, the carseat, any medicine the baby might need, some duck tape and bubble wrap and ..... Oh heck, it's just easier to stay home.
Having confronted death, (childbirth) a warrior knows how precious life is and does not abuse or profane it-
Something happens to a mother when she holds her baby for the first time. All of the sudden nothing else in this world matters but that tiny little being in your arms. You finally understand what unconditional love is. You have the best understanding anyone could have about the love our Heavenly Father has for us. You would do absolutely anything to keep them safe and from that moment on, their happiness is the only thing that you care about.
Motherhood never came as a piece of cake to me. I am short tempered, I yell, I complain, and I have gotten really good at drowning my children's whiney voices out. There were a lot of days when all I wanted to do was this.
But at the end of the day, I love those girls more than life itself and wouldn't trade it for the world.
To all you mothers out there who may have related to this post in some way or another, I want to say this, when you feel you just cant take it anymore, like you want to give up, walk out that door and never return. Remember, it is only one stage of your life. It will pass. They will grow up fast so BE in the moment and don't let life's difficulties distract you from the happiness that is right in front of you. Life is short and unpredictable. Never take it for granted.
This
is a poem I wrote after finding out that our little 5 year old niece had a
brain tumor that would be removed in the following days.I remember the morning we found out that Jaylie's
brain tumor was cancerous. I could not control my feelings. As a mother I
couldn't help but put myself in my sister-in-law's shoes and try to understand
what She was feeling as she watched her child fight for her life. I was
infinately more grateful to be able to step out of her shoes and enjoy my
children and their health. After receiving the news I just held my
children and cried. For whatever reason I felt the need to write those feelings down so that I could remember them years from now. I called it Green
Pancakes because that morning I was supposed to begin writing my capstone paper for school but found myself unable to think about anything else besides
how grateful I was for all the things that drove me nuts about being a mom. I
felt the need to enjoy my children and the simplicity of our life here on
earth. Instead of starting my capstone paper I made my kids green pancakes and we
sat on the floor and laughed and giggled as we ate them together.
Green Pancakes
I made green pancakes today
Simply grateful for one more day
With my sweet and beautiful girls
Ages 2 and 2 months, blue eyes and thick curls
Life is so fragile you never know
When the Lord will say it’s time to go
I am so sorry its taken the experience of one
To realize my blessings and what he has done
He’s given me things I should be grateful for
Life’s little moments, I taken for granted no more
I am so grateful for times I’ve lost my head
So grateful for the crumbs that are in my bed
So grateful for the messes that they make
So grateful for my things that they break
So grateful for tears shed today
So grateful for the price my Lord paid
So grateful that he loved enough to die
My eternal family is what he would buy
So grateful for the stress of each day
So grateful the Lord made it this way
So grateful for the days that they whine
So grateful for just a little more time
So grateful for the sound of their voice
So grateful I was given a choice
To come to this earth and be made a mother
My trials are so easy compared to another
So grateful for their joy and laughter
Their smiles are mine forever after
So grateful for their earthly bodies, I love
Which were sent to me from heaven above
So grateful that our spirits will always live on
Temple ordinances provide an unbreakable bond
So grateful that the Lord has a plan
In time I hope I will understand
So if he must take one of my own
I pray he heals my broken home
So grateful for my eternal family
Together forever I know we’ll live happily
And so with this poem I write today
I thank the Lord for Green pancakes and one more day
I Linked up to:
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http://www.mommamadeitlookeasy.com/
Wed:
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Friday
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Monthly
Religious:
Just Mom:
Total lump in my throat! Your poem struck me. I love this post. I think so many of us think that Motherhood should come easy and naturally but it takes all the skills of a warrior to keep on day after day. Thank you for sharing all your tender feelings and personal experiences. -Tristie from Roosevelt, UT
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this post! Thank you for sharing such an amazing comparison of mommas to warriors-I needed that! And your poem was just beautiful-I loved your blog a year ago and missed it while you were gone but I am so thankful you are back and sharing these experiences that are strengthening me and countless others!
ReplyDeleteAwww, such a beautiful and sweet post. I know how you feel, my older daughter is a spirited one too. Some days I just don't think I can make it to bedtime!
ReplyDeleteI'm your neighbor at Ann's link this week. Your testimony of God's faithfulness to you through all that you've been through is the "hard eucharisteo" that Ann talks about. You are a warrior indeed.
ReplyDeleteThat is what Motherhood is all about...
ReplyDeleteVery nice and well thought post, your poem is lovely. And trust me it will go on...
Hi Robin,
ReplyDeleteI wasn't able to read all of this, but am hopping over from Ann's link up. Thanks for sharing your story of the hard earlier year with a collicky daughter, and for your decision to stick it through and to not ride off into the sunset! That is something we can all relate to on our hard days or moments. :)
It sounds like you and your sister are close, and that you enjoy doing creative things for your family.
Have a nice day,
Jennifer Dougan
www.jenniferdougan.com
You totally captured motherhood...for all moms! I love it.
ReplyDelete